update

well here is a little update. mostly all I do is study. I keep thinking this school thing will get easier but it doesn't I feel like my brain left me years ago. I am considering changing my major to Health administration with a health promotion emphasis or Healt administration with a information technology emphasis.
Both could be really good careers and I don't need straight A's to get into them. I just need to talk to the counselor in charge of these programs.

UP-dates

Gave blood today. I always get a little nervous then it's over before you know it.
In one week kids go back to school and me too, I can't believe I had all summer and still didn't get my laundry list of unfinished projects done.
What is worse:
potty training a toddler or
teaching a teen-ager to drive,
when potty training the accidents you are usually able to clean them up fairly simply but
a teen-ager driving those accidents not so easy..
not that we have had an accident recently with austin driving but i just don't know if my heart can hold out for two more beginners in the future.

A strong woman verses a woman of strength

A strong women works out everyday to keep her body in shape...
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything... but a woman of stength shows
courage in the midst of her fear.
A strng woman won't let anyone get the best of her... but a woman of strength
gives her best to everyone.
A strong women makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future... a woman of stregth
realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessing and capitalizes on them.
A strong woman walks sure-footedly... but a woman of strength
knows Gods will catch her when she falls.
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face... but a woman of strength
wears grace.
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey... but a woman of strength
has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
Annonamus
Dedicated to a woman of strength.

Close One

What happens when you mix a dresser, a trailer, and 60 miles an hour?
We were driving down the freeway a few weeks ago, in front of us was a truck with a trailor and a big dresser in the trailor. The dresser was laying flat and it was very big. I'm sure the people in the truck thought that the dresser wouldn't going anywhere because it was so heavy. But as we followed behind the trailor the wind began to catch the dressing we watched as it floated up and then flew off the trailor. There was no place for us to go. I was holding my breath all I could think about was that thing flying in our windshield. But the dresser flew to the pavement and slide across the lane right to the side of the road. Then we had to surve to miss the trailor as it pulled to the side of the road to claim its runaway furniture.
It was crazy scary and we were so lucky that day. I knew that Heavenl;y Father was looking over us.

Digging A Hole and Crawling In

We have a dog that likes to dog a hole close to the house and lay in it to either keep cool in the summer or to keep warm in the winter. I think that sometimes we all feel like digging a hole and crawling in.
I noticed on facebook a comment on people who are going through hard times.
I would like to tell you about something that happened to me several years ago.
Corbin was having a really hard time with his epilepsy and it was taking a big tole on him and the family I didn't know what else to do or where to turn for help. I prayed a lot but I never seemed to get an answer to my prayers. And then one day I read an Article in the Ensign that said if you aren't getting an answer to your prayer you need to change they way you are praying. I was asking for God to give me the answers. So I changed my prayer and asked God what he would have me do. I immediatley got an answer although it was not the one I was expecting. The answer was Trust In Me. I thought okay  I got an answer but what does it mean, Trust In Me. I started reading scripture after scripture trying to figure this out. None of it seemed to click then one day while reading the Ensign again there was an article about trusting our Father in Heaven. And then I knew what it meant, Jesus died on the cross not only for our sins, but it was to take on all our pain and suffering, He knows how we feel about everything He knows how we ache when our loved ones are suffering and all we can seem to do is sit back and say I am here and I love you. If we Trust In Him he will lighten the pain that we feel.

Can't wait for school to begin

Beleive it or not I am excited for school to start again not for the kids but for me. I had thought I would have found a little part time job by now but no such luck. I have got a lot of things done here but I am not cut out to be around the house all day. My kids are all older and don't need me around as much. I keep thinking I should finish all my started craft projects but somehow I  have hardly touched them. Oh well there is some hope beyond the horizon.

Hoping to get a house

We are hoping to buy a house and it is a crazy thing with all those short sales and all out there. It seems so much more complicated than it used to be.

I must share this little experience we had yesterday.
We were driving home and at the stop light right before our house a man ran into the back of our van. No one was hurt there is just minor damage to our van but his suv was pretty cruched up. The interesting thing was a little while after we had pulled to the side to take care of business a woman pulled to the sid of us and said she would be a witness for us. She was behind him and had watched him drive irratically, nearly running into us earlier and nearly running off the road once. she thought maybe he had been texting. We told the police officer about this witness and gave him her name and phone number. He started asking this man some questions, which then led into a sobriety testing, I've never seen this before the man swore he had not been drinking but the officer detected something was not right and the man did not have a phone so he could not have been texting. They used the breathilizer on him and was sitllnot satisfied and continued testing him. they then arreseted him for driving while under the influence they suspected perscription oxicotin. I had never seen that before and it really made me think about how many times I've taken over the counter pain medicine and wonder how it might effect how I drive.

This is a piture from our trip to Zions last month what a trip. Why is it so hard to convince teen age girls to get their picture taken.

CURTIS

This is for you Megan. you are the only one that reads my blog. If you wish to share with Angela and Nathen you can.

This is my foavorite and last picture I have of you and your Dad that I took. This picture was taken about 0ne year before we were seperated. We went to Snowbird I think and we got in a trame car that took us all the way to the top of the mountain. It was a happy day a day we all spent together.
It's hard for me to keep his memory alive, because even though there were some huge problems I truely loved him. That is one of the reasons I think I didn't even get remarried. I couldn't let go. I kept praying somehow things would work out. Sad, I know.
I wasn't supposed to feel so bad when he died because after all I was the Ex I had to be strong for you kids and no one quite understood me.
To lose your eternity with someone is very painful.
And to watch your children not getting a chance to know what a remarkable man their Father was and I am sure still is, is very distressing.
I always felt I should not talk of him, I always hoped your Grandma Sarah and your Aunt Dionne would help you fill in gaps.
There is a book I read once called Five People You Meet in Heaven. one of the Five lessons he learned was, Lost love is still love. Life has to en love doesn't.
Maybe knowing me I've loved just a little to much, and to many. But when I think of Curtis, which is what I called him, I sitll love.
Some of the most traumatic things we go through in life that shape us to be who we are the most rememberable of events. Remind us about precious life. The night I sat three small children down and had to find the courage and the right words to tell you your Dad had died made me realize just what a wonderful gift he had given me something nobody else could give me and something that nobody could ever take away. I looked at you children every day and saw Curtis.
Life has to end but love doesn't.

the english department wants me

according to them i have talent based on this essay you tell me

Tastes Sooo Good

I finally sat down to get something to eat after a long day. I filled up a ladle of chili, and placed it in my bowl, topping it off with some cheese and crackers. On a side plate sat a slice of cornbread smothered in butter and honey. Embracing the first spoonful with my mouth, I realized that the chili was fabulous! The beans were soft and juicy, and the flavor of the spices danced around in my mouth. This had to be the best chili I had ever eaten.

My alarm woke me early that morning; it was time to wake Laurie. She needed to go to work. She slept on my couch the night before to make sure I would be all right. It was just the morning before that I had given birth to Corbin a, beautiful baby boy.  Soon after he was born doctors found something wrong his heart, so they wouldn’t let him go home, but I had to leave. My insurance would only pay for a twelve hour stay. While looking through the window of the nursery at Corbin I begged the doctor to let me stay at the hospital with him, but he said no. I would have to come back for him in the morning. I couldn’t take him home until after they got the results from his tests. My eyes swelled up with tears as I said my good-byes. The hospital staff scooted me out with a sleeping pill in hand and said, “See you tomorrow.”

My older children were at their grandparents: Angela, 9-years- old, was always the mothering type, and couldn’t wait to hold the baby; Megan, 7-years-old, was a very dramatic girl and couldn’t stop talking about the new baby; And Nathan, 5-years-old, who was rambunctious, while interested, just wanted to play and was very nonchalant about the whole thing. They were all excited to see their new brother, but would have to wait until the next day. Corbin’s father was no longer in our lives. I was pretty much on my own. My friend Laurie was my rock the day Corbin was born and she drove me home from the hospital and spent the night at my house.

After getting Laurie on her way, I decided I should make sure we had something to eat that night for dinner. I knew it would be a long day, and the older kids would be coming home and would probably need to eat. I put red beans in a pot and brought them to a boil then let them sit for an hour to get them ready for the chili. While that was cooking I browned some hamburger. I threw all of it in the crockpot, added an envelope of seasoning, nothing special just generic. I put in some water, covered the crockpot, and set it at low. Then I drove myself to the hospital to pick up Corbin.

When I got to the hospital, the doctor hadn’t released him to go home. The nurses told me I could wait in the nursery. I picked Corbin up and found my way to the nearest rocking chair, and began rocking him. I held him close for the first time; finally, a chance to really get to know my little boy. The night before when everything was so unsure I told myself, “Don’t get too close to this baby. You don’t know how long he will be here.” As I held him, my heart couldn’t do what my mind had told it to do. I fell in love with my baby boy.

I sat in that rocking chair for a long time waiting for the doctor to come in and give me the results of Corbin’s tests. It had been hours, and I was ready to go home. That morning I prayed harder than I think I ever have. I was scared. Now that I loved him, I couldn’t bear to lose him. Finally the doctor came to talk to me. He said the tests didn’t show anything significant. Corbin had a heart murmur and they were going to watch him. He thought that it was caused from a shunt not closing between the two chambers of the heart. It usually closes right after someone is born, but he thought Corbin’s hadn’t closed yet. The doctor was sure the shunt would close soon, so I could take Corbin home, but the doctor wanted to see him in a week.

By the time we got home, it was afternoon and I was exhausted; after all, it had only been a little over twenty-four hours since I gave birth. Putting the baby in his bassinet gave me a chance to lie down and take a well deserved rest. I found it strange this little baby didn’t ever cry or want to eat. He just slept.  I was trying to remember if this was normal for a brand new baby, and I tried not to worry.

At about five o’clock, my sister brought my older children home. They were excited to see their new little brother, and each of them took a turn holding him. I wanted to protect him from all of their little germs; he didn’t need to catch some kind of illness right now, but they needed a chance to get to know him. Thank goodness, other family members understood my predicament and we didn’t have any other visitors that day. I don’t think I could have handled much company because my emotions were so fragile from the events of the past two days.

As expected, it didn’t take long for the kids to get hungry. I baked up some cornbread, (I love cornbread), and poured the chili out of the crockpot into a bowl. Then we sat down and ate our dinner. That’s when I had the best chili I’ve ever eaten.

The last twenty years have brought many ups and downs with Corbin. He ended up having a very serious heart condition called pulmonary valve stenosis. His heart is doing fine now, but through the last twenty years I’ve tried to duplicate that pot of chili without success. It’s funny how we perceive our memories. Some memories are as vivid as a picture; others smell oh so sweet. Some memories make our hearts pound every time we think about them. I’ve always wondered if it was the relief of having my children home safe with me that night and the sweet memories that made the chili so delicious or was the chili really that good?

what to do with my life

As many of you may know I am going back to school.
it is not ging as well as i had hoped.
somehow all the med classes just
aren;t working out
i am not sure if
nursing is for me
why is it so hard
at my age to know
what is the right thing
for me to do.
i don't expect school to be
easy
but i thought if i
chose the right career
that i would be
more interested in
my studies
i am not
how do i find what is right
for me

JUST FOR FUN

Okay what do you think family and friends

Nate aka Carl at about 3

Jackson at three

nate aka carl at about 1 week  above and carls jr gavin today
gotta be family
nothing like a brand new grandchild to brighten your day

Lifes just PLAYING with my mind

while i am supposed to be doing homework and studying like crazy for my edjumacation. i must clear my mind first.
worries- my worries are numerous lately
am i a good mom to my kids both older and younger
am i going to retain enough info to finish college
do i do enough to let my mike know just how much i live him
will i ever be able to be closer to my stepkids and stepgrandkids
wants- talk about wants shimany
a bigger house
time to scrapbook and do crafts
someone else to do my housework
does anyone know a hypnosis who can put you under and transfer all the stinkin math facts you need to pass a class- that would be awwwwsome.

Christmas, New Year

Christmas is over but it was a reaaly great one. Saw all my kids and I loved that. We had a great New Year it was fun to party this last few weeks. And now it is back to the grind lots of classes and tns of studying. I am already stressed out. I haveto get my RS things done so I can get to the books. I got all the Christmas decorations down